To begin, I want to warn all the readers of this post that once again, I will not be discussing the main theme of this week's challenge.Tonight (or this morning as some might call it) I am sipping my water, unable to sleep even though I have very little energy. My mind will not allow my body to rest. So, I have decided to write...
A few weeks ago, I went out for coffee with a friend. This friend has the unique ability of raw honesty (I envy this trait very much!). She is able to look beyond the masks that people wear and see who you really are. But her ability goes boyond even that, she is able to boldly state your faults, your strengths, and even your ignorance at times no matter how sensitive the topic. I have been struck with a few of these friends throughout my path and every time, their real "humanness" makes me change (even though its normally after their comments have made me curl up in a ball and cry for a few days). On this particular night, this friend boldly asked the question, "Why do you say 'sorry' so much?". Now, if this were any other person, I would have made a sharp joke and quickly changed the subject; however, this friend does not let go too easily. So, after a few moments of stumbling and trying to come up with an adequate answer, I sheepishly answerd "I don't know". This might sound like an easy-way-out, but it was the honest, real, truth. Since that conversation, I have been thinking about her question and my answer quite frequently. Why do I feel the need to apologize after everything that I do? I want to say that it stems from some deep-seeded childhood trauma but that is not the case. The truth is, I have yearned for acceptance by others throughout my entire life. This path to acceptance has manifested intself in various forms; such as wearing my hair in a certain way, choosing a particular style of clothing, or even changing the food I choose to eat. All of these things were not choices I made because of what I wanted or believed; rather, they were choices that I made to fulfill the desires and expectations of others. While that way of doing life might seem pretty great at times, it actually sucks! When I am sitting alone with no one around, when all the "expectations" of others are gone, I have no idea who is inside of me. I have no idea what my expecations for myself are, I have no idea what my dreams or goals are. I do not know who I am.
If you are wondering where this emotional rant is going, I suppose I am writing this post for two reasons. First, this is my new challenge for the rest of my life. I yearn to be more honest for myself. I challenge myself to attempt to find out who I am, despite what others want me to be. I desire to make choices regardless of the judgements of others (to be honest, I am challenging myself to be a bit ruthless at times). And second, I am writing this post as a tribute. A tribute to those amazing people who some might say are rude or insensitive, but are really just honest people. I learn from you everyday, so keep the hard truth coming! Without you...well...I don't want to know where the world would be.
Cheers to you!
Interesting post! I'm trying to think of all the conversations we've had or when you were part of the BB group. There are some moments when you apologized but I wouldn't say that you over apologize compared to most people.
ReplyDeleteI am called insensitive and rude sometimes. I am more open and the type to 'say what I feel' but this worries me sometimes because although some would call it a strength, I know it can be a serious downside sometimes especially in the field of education and even development.
Hope you get some rest, you've been working really hard at your 3am emails ;)
Sebastien :)
How interesting that you happen to be on a "solidarity diet" the week that you get your placement and your placement happens to be in a region of the world where what you're describing as your daily meal is the norm...
ReplyDeleteNicole, I value the honesty that you've brought to our group and I think that the fact that you are involved in Beyond Borders (and that you are questioning who you truly are) shows a depth of self awareness that I think too few people ever achieve. And I can think of no better place to do a bit of soul searching than India where so many religious and wisdom traditions have their roots.
ReplyDeleteI know that I always apologize a lot too- so we will certainly be able to keep each other in check that way. Or maybe it just means that we'll have to learn the Tamil word for "sorry." :)